As I laid on the bed that time back in 2011, wishing I would never wake up, I wanted it to stop – the bad feelings, the negative emotions, the self loathing, I could take it no more!

That was the point that I knew it HAD to stop; I had to take control! The feelings and emotions had become all consuming in every aspect of my life and seemed to affect everything.

Mark was working away, so would leave on a Sunday night and return on a Friday evening. Meaning I was home with 3 children on my own.  I cannot describe how lonely that time was, on both a physical and emotional level.  I was petrified that if I said anything to anyone about how I was feeling I would be perceived as a failure, something which I already felt most of the time anyway, with my biggest fear being that someone would take the children from me.  Neither did I want any kind of drugs! I continued with my facade for months, never letting on to how I was feeling or the fact I wasn’t coping.

I struggled to do the simplest of tasks like housework – what the hell was wrong with me?! I felt like a completely different person from the outgoing, funny and sociable person I once was.  I would avoid talking to people and often keep my head down praying that even people I knew wouldn’t talk to me, as I wasn’t sure if I would be able to convey that ‘everything was ok’ in any kind of convincing way.

One time I knew that it was already bad was about 6 weeks after Harry had been born. Mark was out the front our house with the girls and our elderly neighbor, had come out to speak to him and ask whether I’d had the baby.  Mark came back in to take Harry out and asked me to come outside also.  I can’t explain the feeling I had other than an immense wave of fear, I felt rooted to the spot, I could not go out, I did not want to talk to her, I didn’t want to smile or be friendly – the tears began to fall, it was all too much.  Mark took me by the hand and said “it will be ok, it’s just Peggy and it’s just for a minute”

I would make any excuse not to go out, the less I went out the less able I felt to go out; it was vicious circle.  If I wasn’t crying, I would eat to make myself feel better, and then feel down and guilty about being overweight – the self loathing and self destructive behaviour was out of control.

I had no focus, no direction – everything felt pointless.

I had to take stock, I had to get a grip, not just for myself and my own sanity but for that of Mark and the children.  That moment I lay on the bed was the turning point.  In the few years that I had been with Mark we had done a lot of personal development.  I had all the tools and knew everything that I needed to know in order to get myself back on track, but as a well known quote says “to know and not yet to do, is not yet to know!” At that time I was doing nothing whatsoever to help myself.

It was around the same time that I remembered a blog post I had read some weeks back, by a good friend of ours, James St Pierre.  The post was called Cause and Effect – It’s NOT Rocket Science! and you can read it for yourself here – this was the push I needed.  I knew I could be in control, I could CHOOSE how I wanted to feel and consequently what action I took.

It was after then that I signed up for the London marathon 2012, lost most of my weight and regained control.  That’s not to say I didn’t still have my bad days, as I did, but as a whole my state of mind improved 100%.

For me the next question was – why was I feeling like this?  Had that doctor been right back in 2008 with her 5 min diagnosis, was it really PND? or was it something else?

To be continued…

Yours in taking back control,

Sarah xXx