As I came to, I could hear someone urgently and persistently calling my name “Sarah, Sarah, Sarah” I was aware that I had something covering my nose and mouth and could hear high pitched alarms ringing, these were not in my imagination. Again the familiar feeling of anxiety and panic came over me. The light was so bright I feared I had not made it.

All I could think of was Mark, I just wanted Mark, where was he?

Another vivid memory; the moment we discovered I was pregnant – the first time!

Mark and I had been together 4 months when we decided, in a tent in Hamble, that we wanted to have children and be together forever. April 29, 2007: I had been feeling a little out of sorts. That evening Mark and I went for a run, I didn’t get very far, I struggled, felt like I had no energy. Mark was worried considering I’d not been feeling myself anyhow, and insisted I saw the doctor. I managed to get seen that next morning. She asked me if I was pregnant, or if there was any chance of me being pregnant? My brain screamed ‘NO’! That can’t be! It had only been 6 weeks that I had stopped taking the pill! Surely it could not happen that quickly? I sensed a mixture of panic and excitement.

As I left the doctor’s office I apprehensively took my mobile out and nervously dialled Mark’s number. He had been expecting my call, although, needless to say, he was not expecting what I was about to tell him!

He immediately left the office detouring boots on the way home to pick up a pregnancy test. I was met by his slightly shocked and nervous expression. He voiced the very thoughts that had gone through my mind at the doctor’s office. We were both expecting for it to take a lot longer than just 6 weeks!

I nervously opened the pregnancy test and having never had to do one of these before I made Mark read the instructions, as I did not want to get this wrong! Those 2 minutes felt like a lifetime. I insisted Mark be the one to turn the test over to read the result…”POSITIVE” I had to blink several times and Mark just threw his arms around me, so excited! I had a complete mixture of feelings excited, nervous, happy, overwhelmed, sad and elated!

“OH FUCK” my brain said. Again, the reality of my situation had brought me back down with a crash. Up until this point my relationship with Mark had been hidden; carried out in secret. I now had no choice but to tell my friends and family about us. I burst into tears, what was supposed to be a time filled with joy and excitement, was overshadowed by deep sadness. The overfamiliar feeling of panic and anxiousness, that I had gotten so used to as a child, swept over me.

The weeks and months went by and I had no real problems during my pregnancy. Even after the 12 week scan, it had not completely sunk in that I was carrying a little baby in my tummy. By the 20 week scan we had decided to find out the sex, it was a girl!

At 8 weeks pregnant we moved into the house we had bought together. I had by this time gone through the trauma of telling my friends and family and no longer being part of the religion.

October 29, 2007: at 31 weeks pregnant, Mark and I got married. 2 days later we were flying to Jamaica. 2 weeks after we were married, we feared that my waters had broken. Rather alarmed and extremely panicky we arrived at our nearest maternity unit. They confirmed our fear; I was leaking water. They gave me 2 steroid shots 8 hours apart and prepared me for our baby arriving within the next 48 hours. I spent a rather sleepless night on labour ward with nothing really happening.

No one really explained what was going on. Since the initial ‘gush’ I had had no further leakage and there seem to be contradictory explanations as to what was going on. One doctor said it ‘can’ reseal, another said “maybe they didn’t go in the first place.”

To cut a long story short after hours of monitoring, various scans and differing advice it was decided, subject to frequent monitoring, I would be allowed to go to full term and at 38 weeks would see the consultant.

10 days overdue, early on Friday 18th of January 2008, Mark and I were making our way to our local maternity unit, for induction of labour. This was it! I could not quite believe this day had arrived! I had no idea what to expect, and I now know, it doesn’t matter what you expect, the reality is not the same.

I had been induced at 9 AM and the pain started straight away. By mid-afternoon I was beside myself not knowing what to do. My carefully thought out birth plan no longer seemed to matter. We were moved to labour ward around 7 PM, by which time all contractions and pain had ceased. No amount of activity or walking around brought them back on.

Midnight came and the midwife on duty decided to break my waters. The next few hours seem like a blur now. At 5:21 AM, much to my shock, Emilie Rae Davies arrived weighing in at 8lb 3. Another moment of mixed emotions, the relief of it all being over and the shock of having a tiny baby positioned on my chest. I didn’t have much time to take all this in as the next few hours, panic ensued…

To be continued…

Yours in childbirth…
Sarah xXx